Dame Jasvinder didn’t read a book until she was 28; she experienced poverty, domestic abuse and estrangement. She also single-handedly set up a national charity; her book Shame – described in the House of Lords as a political weapon – became a Sunday Times top-10 bestseller; and in 2024 she was awarded a Damehood.
She talks to RCN Magazine’s Claire McKinson about the power of saying no, her extraordinary career in advocacy and where nursing staff can find advice and support if they suspect forced marriage or honour-based abuse.
You've dedicated your career to fighting for others. What's been your motivation?
I was born in the UK to Indian Sikh parents and one of the things I learned at a young age was how much my life differed to my peers. My six sisters and I were raised with one expectation – that us girls would become wives.
Aged 14, my mum sat me down after school one day and showed me a photo of the man I was to marry – a man I’d never met but I learned I’d been promised to from eight years old.
My parents stopped me going to school.
I was held prisoner in my own home
Unlike my older sisters, who, at 14 were told they were to marry and were taken out of school – I refused. I was bright and I enjoyed school, I saw how my married sisters suffered, saw their bruises and I didn’t want that for myself.
Saying no was pivotal in shaping your career, but what impact did it have on you?
To refuse was to bring shame and dishonour to our family.
My parents stopped me going to school. I was held prisoner in my own home and shut in my room, which was padlocked from the outside. I took an overdose in the hope my parents would take me to hospital, and I could tell someone what was happening. Instead, they kept me at home and plied me with coffee.
I knew if I agreed to the marriage, the door would be unlocked, and I could plan my escape. I ran away aged 16. I believed I had the right to an education and to choose who I wanted to marry.
My children and grandchildren will never inherit such legacies of abuse
That was the point I was trying to prove. And I always believed my parents would recognise that and welcome me back. Instead, they told me if I didn’t honour this promise of marriage, I was dead in their eyes.
I decided not to go back, and my family disowned me. It’s been difficult, I’ve missed them terribly, but I don’t regret my decision – my children and grandchildren will never inherit such legacies of abuse because of the choice I made at 16.
Forced marriage: the indicators
Forced marriage is a criminal offence, and it's now illegal to be married under the age of 18 in the UK.
Honour-based abuse can affect men, women, children and young people from many cultures, religions and communities. Common signs include:
- emotional and psychological pressure: are they withdrawn, anxious or depressed. Do they self-harm or have suicidal tendencies?
- threats and intimidation: are they reluctant to talk about family life? Is there a history of unwanted or concealed pregnancies?
- restriction of movemen: are they accompanied to appointments and do family members refuse for them to be examined alone?
- made to feel like they're bringing shame on their family: have they recently become very religious? For example: suddenly wearing a head covering?
- isolation from friends: are they restricted to who they can talk to or mix with? Are they allowed to attend school regularly?
- monitoring and surveillance: do they have access to a mobile phone or the internet, their birth certificate or passport, etc?
- at risk of being taken overseas: usually disguised as a family holiday, wedding or visiting a sick relative
- physical violence: do they have injuries which cannot be reasonably explained?
One indicator alone may not be significant, but a pattern of behaviours should always prompt professionally curiosity. If you suspect a patient could be a victim of honour-based abuse, reach out to Karma Nirvana or the Forced Marriage Unit for confidential advice and guidance.
Never approach or contact the patient's family. This can put the patient at significant risk of harm. They may believe these practices are supported by their religion, tradition or culture. This isn't true, and they'll need support to understand this and help with accessing a helpline while in your care.
