“Leadership isn’t for everyone,” he said dismissively, looking at his computer screen whilst typing. I had made a GP appointment, as I’d been experiencing palpitations, feeling anxious and even tearful at times. He asked a few questions, no physical assessment. I explained that the feelings were mainly on a Sunday night, ahead of going to work on a Monday morning. I wanted to get the symptoms addressed so I could give my all to my new role as a team leader. And that was the only ‘diagnosis’ for my physical and emotion wellbeing that was given: Leadership isn’t for everyone.

I remember thinking to myself as I walked back to my car. ”No… that’s not it. That’s not what is happening here, for me now”. I had been qualified for a number of years, gained experience across multiple surgical specialties, and worked overseas. Applying for a Theatre Sister position felt like the right next step. It was a proud professional and person moment.

I transferred to a different department. What an eye opener it was to join an established team. The new girl. The outsider. What did I know? The first few months were tough. I felt I had to prove myself to be accepted, show that I was on their side, that I was one of them. All whilst learning the next steps in leadership, building a rapport with new faces and stakeholders. As I’ve progressed further, each step of my leadership journey has held a similar experience. The integration, the proving and the acceptance. For me it’s been particularly hard moving between different organizations, which brings with it new protocols, processes and networks to build.

I’ve cried a lot. Feeling professionally lonely, exacerbated when moving to a different part of the country, with no social or peer support around me. It helped me to empathise with how our internationally trained nurses may feel and reassured me that I am right in actively supporting them as part of my teams. Fortunately, I’ve had fantastic seniors along the way, who see my qualities, skills, determination, even before I realised them myself and have supported my career journey.

During these challenging times, I was always thinking “What have I done wrong?’, ‘How can I make this better?’, ‘How can I change things?’, ‘How can I make it different?’ – the problem must be me. These Sunday Night Blues have followed me, raising my pulse and anxiety at various times. I spoke with peers and seniors, but never to those who made me feel this way. And so, if there are any other leaders out there, feeling the struggles whilst knowing this is the right direction, this is for you.

Changing jobs is hard. Stepping up to the next level is hard. Working with staff who are demotivated, demoralized and have their own internal dynamics may feel insurmountable. Yet surely it is harder to ignore what you feel within your heart, mind, soul and being. You have something to offer that can make a difference, that can shape direction, that can lead our amazing teams. And where leadership might not be right for everyone, leadership might not be easy for everyone. That doesn’t mean we give up.