Last year I left my role as Nurse Manager where I had been leading the team for almost fifteen years. I loved my job, my team and the challenges that it threw at me but after reassessing my priorities I felt I needed to start a new chapter. Fast forward to now and I am undertaking a new role and have been on a steep learning curve familiarising myself with new language and acronyms, undertaking projects and workstreams that I would have never considered before.
It has not been easy - there has been periods of self-doubt and vulnerability and at times my “inner chimp” has been very loud. The catastrophising critical inner voice telling me I am not good enough and will soon get found out as a fraud. These intrusive thoughts have been described by some as a human superpower; the ability to convince ourselves that something is true when it is fact fiction. Achievements are flukes and we are undeserving of success. This is imposter syndrome and it has manifested itself in my career over the years more than once. The last time being was when I promoted to leading and managing the nursing team.
Stepping into a leadership role was a dream come true but despite my qualifications and experience, doubts gnawed at me whispering that I was not capable. The transition from the familiarity of clinical practice to the uncertainties of leadership was daunting. My role was no longer about managing my patient’s needs but also about managing a team. The pressure to excel as a leader while maintaining clinical competence added another layer of complexity.
In managing my inner chimp I have learned over the years to accept and acknowledge the voice and have noticed that I am more vulnerable to these feelings at certain times or in particular situations. I notice how the voice makes me feel, trying to ascertain what has triggered it and think about what is the need behind it.
No one is ever criticising you as much as you criticise yourself. We need to show ourselves some compassion and understanding - that which no doubt we show our patients or service users but somehow we fall short when it comes to ourselves. Self-criticism is unmotivating, creating a lower sense of self confidence only serving to make us more anxious. Imposter syndrome should not be seen as a sign of weakness but a testament to the courage taken to step out of our comfort zone. Leadership is not about pretending to have all the answers but about embracing vulnerability, working collaboratively and continuously learning. As nurses we all advocate for showing kindness to others, so how about we show some to ourselves?
We know however many nurses may be experiencing similar thoughts, if this resonates with you we'd love to hear your stories and experiences here: https://www.rcn.org.uk/Get-Involved/SenseMaker.
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