In our professional lives, we often discuss life changing conditions. Despite the terrible impact on people and their loved one and despite being empathetic it is often not until it becomes very personal that you realise the impact of the illness. Last September a good friend of mine shared the news of her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. My friend had in fact diagnosed herself earlier in the year. Her GP was mildly dismissive, until my friend said well let’s do the test.

 As my friend shared her news, I was in a state of shock, distress and profound sadness. I tried but I couldn’t hold back the tears, even writing this blog I have tears. A whole mix of feelings and thoughts go whirring around, mostly because I didn’t want my friend to lose herself to this cruel illness. During our conversation, I think I could already observe some subtle changes to my friend’s character, such as pauses in conversation, micro blank stares and frequent quiffs about not remembering.

After our conversation, I waited a few weeks and after several attempts of trying to phone, I managed to speak with my friend. I realised that she wouldn’t always remember to answer the phone or even check if he had any missed calls. I asked if I could ask some very practical questions about plans for her future and how much had she discussed issues with her adult children. I acknowledged this was more for my reassurance and in truth my coping mechanism by having a plan and doing something practical. The test of a friendship is the recognition that intentions come from a place of care, love and support. Thankfully my friend recognised this was coming from a good place.

I diligently did some reading to keep myself up to date about Alzheimer’s, talked to a few friends who have family members with forms of dementia and printed the Alzheimer’s Society ‘The memory handbook’. I also found a lovely photograph of my friend when she invited me to join her in France for a few days as part of her family holiday. I printed it and included my friend’s name, location and date. This was the front page to a folder which included the handbook. On my next visit I shared this my friend, we had a chat and she couldn’t understand why anyone would want to know about her. Holding on to my emotions, I replied that we all have untold stories which are worth sharing, so that in the future people have a bit of our history.  I said even I know that you like two cups of coffee before 11am and marmalade toast in between. She smiled. My heart broke. 

When we meet, we go for long walks, as my friend is following ‘doctors orders’ by walking every day. We have our conversations; the themes are very similar and sometimes there is repetition. I’m trying to gauge how much I say about people from the past as I can see her struggling and sometimes, she laughs about things and says “ I don’t remember, it’s all gone”. On our most recent walk, my friend admitted she would soon stop driving locally and that she thought things would deteriorate more quickly. What else can I do she said, there’s no point in pretending and I just must make the most of every day whilst I can. I buy the 1000-piece jigsaws as I know she continues to enjoy them and it’s also part of her therapy.
 My friend happily shared her children’s contact details and agreed that I can contact them, they live several hours away. Her daughter replied positively to my email and we both hope to meet for coffee on a future visit to her mum. It’s work in progress writing about my friend and it’s a privilege to be trusted to capture the person I see. My friend is one of life’s genuinely kindest, understanding and tolerant soul.

I’ve known my friend for a long time, however walking alongside her at the beginning of this journey is teaching me about the value of being fully present. We both find joy in the moment and I’m learning about her in ways I never had before. Finally, I’m learning to manage my own anxiety and to accept that while it’s a path my friend did not choose, it’s one we will share together with love and dignity.

• You can contact the Alzheimer's Society if you have any questions or concerns.
• Information and resources about dementia can be found on the RCN website.